2001-05-03 - Spring Orgo Night
The College Reading Room of Butler Library. Biatch.
[March in to Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite the ten thousand dollar repair bill, it's the most hazardous band in the world, the Columbia University Marching De-renovation Crew.
[fanfare]
Featuring:
J. George Rupp - On the way out
J. Class of 2005 - On the way in
And J. Men In Barnard Housing - On the way in... and out... and in... and out...
[fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous, semi-circular, recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation, College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are checked out but long overdue. Featuring the band still in Butler, the adoring fans still in Butler, and a security guard next to every fire alarm, the band now presents its 33rd consecutive, 69th semi-annual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous Orgo.
{ALTERNATE:} Welcomes itself, in keeping with 30 years of tradition, to lavish, luminous, locquacious, lurid, and legendary Low Library, where the steps are rock hard, but sadly not the men, and where the women wear togas, but are cold and metallic. Featuring the marching band on the second shift, a sense of campus spirit too rowdy to adhere to New York state law, and Alma Mater's approving gaze, the band now presents its 33rd consecutive, 69th semi-annual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous double Orgo.
[Play Who Owns New York]
Tensions between China and the United States have been high since a midair collision between planes left one Chinese pilot dead and 24 American pilots with nasty seat belt burns. President Bush's advisors have expressed their frustration with the crisis, one saying, "Jesus Fucking H. Christ! All the President wants to do is send in the goddamned Spy Kids!" Bush later made matters worse by proceeding to call Jiang Zemin and open negotiations by asking for "General Tso" and exclaiming, "B-7. Hit. You sank my battleship!" The issue has also been a hot topic on an episode of Crossfire, where special guest Elian Gonzalez argued, "How can the Chinese delay in returning these people to their homes? The American government would never act so irresponsibly." He was then high-fived by host Pat Buchanan in agreement. Meanwhile, Bush is having a hell of a time keeping the Pentagon from bombing Beijing, as most of its officials have expressed their wish to "blow those yellow plane-stealing motherfuckers' all the way to Vieques, where they can in turn get blown up again." Bill Kristol in the National Review has applauded the Pentagon's stance, arguing that America must act stongly to protect freedom, democracy, and our precious bodily fluids. In honor of the sweet life essence, the band now forms a bottle of grain alcohol and plays "Sweet Fluids."
[Play Sweet Dreams]
Here in Morningside Heights, there's really nothing like Pre-frosh weekend. From the suspiciously perfect weather to the expensive catered food, it almost feels as if the administration cares about students. At the recent Broadway street fair, one prospective was thrilled with the campus atmosphere, exclaiming, "Golly! Whoever said that CU could be cold and impersonal obviously never tasted this frigging fantastic funnel cake!" Unfortunately, not all local residents were thrilled with the expo, as the extra competition hurt sales at the daily "Shadow Street Fair" in front of Mike's Papaya. One merchant complained, "I'm here everyday, doing my best, trying to sell three right shoes, a toy car, and a four month-old copy of Vogue. How the hell can I compete with Ecuadoreans selling nice wool jackets and bootleg CDs?" Members of the ISO were also displeased with the amount of free trade in the area, and planned on using the people's glorious collective LaserJet to produce posters to protest it, but instead quickly relented when they saw that the fair could provide them with cheap Ramones bootlegs. In honor of Joey Ramone, the band now forms the Converse logo and plays "I Wanna Be Sedated."
[Play Sedated]
Things have been tough lately for the artist formerly known as Puff Daddy. After his recent arrest for driving a scooter with a suspended license, he is now forced to sit alone in his mansion, unable to ride either his Kawasaki Ninja or Latina thoroughbred Jennifer Lopez. The recent scuffle with the law has been particularly frustrating, as his personal life had just started to return to normal after his recent trial. After being cleared of all criminal charges last month, Puffy has finally been allowed to return to his everyday routine of selling other musicians' songs under his own name for millions of dollars. In a suprise move, however, he plans to change the type of music he samples in his songs. He was recently spotted at Miller Theater at a performance of Schoenberg's string quartets, hoping to find inspiration in the composer's atonal works. "I've been spinnin' MC Wagner's 'Tirstan und Isolde'" said the rap artist, "but its monotonous chromatic musical motifs won't flow right with a chorus of 'Bitches, bitches, bitches, open wide/P-Diddy's gonna put it deep inside.'" The band now forms Old Dirty Bastard smoking crack out of a bassoon and plays "Back in Brahms."
[Back In Black]
Recently it seems that the University has taken a lot of criticism for squandering millions on an online distance learning experiment named "Fathom.com." Provost Cole has ardently defended the venture, explaining, "Technology stocks are booming, I hear... Have you ever heard of the 'Amazon.com'? Why, you can buy books on the World Wide Internet! What a marvelous innovation!" Meanwhile, a program that lets students watch their classes on tape has met with success. This has been particuarly popular with Computer Science majors, as it allows them to forego their bi-weekly shower. More changes are coming; during his "Big Picture Address," Dean Quigley announced that the Symbolic Logic final would be replaced with Snood's infamous 12th level, and that the essay contest to get into advanced L&R would be changed to AmISmartOrNot.com. "Adherence to traditional academic standards is all well and good," Quigley said, "But we're crunched for quid, and let's face it: you never have to give a Snood tenure." Provost Cole was quick to add, "Kozmo?! What a silly name! Perhaps we should invest..." In honor of Columbia's declining academic standards, the band now forms a Speak 'N' Spell and plays "Sweet Ill-concieved Financial Venture O' Mine."
[Sweet Child]
The nation has been shocked by President Bush's unexpected decision to televise Timothy McVeigh's execution nationally, and to give the rights to the highest bidding network, Fox. A spokesman for the network claimed that they felt confident in broadcasting the event due to their "experience and integrity" in televising gratuitous footage of people dying. Currently, Fox executives are trying to decide between titles of "When Sodium Pentathol Attacks!" and "America's Funniest Execution Videos." NBC, worried at the prospect of the execution going against their Thursday night lineup, considered tapping Osama Bin Laden to guest star on an upcoming episode of "Friends," but instead chose to just have two of the characters marry each other again. Meanwhile, the NAACP has loudly protested the broadcast of the execution. At a recent press conference, NAACP President Kweisi Mfume said, "This is another example of a lack of diversity on network TV. While nine out of ten of all of those executed are inmates of color, unsurprisingly, the first broadcast execution involves a white man." Lack of diversity isn't the only problem, as the impending actor's strike in Hollywood may complicate the proceedings. "I don't want to lose my Screen Actor's Guild card," admitted one federal corrections officer. "If the strike goes down, expect to see me and Timmy holding hands on the picket line together. Solidarity!" In honor of solidarity, the band now forms a grad student union button and plays "Strike On Me."
[Play Take On Me]
Well, that's all for us tonight. But before we go, here are a few study hints for that big Orgo exam tomorrow:
SGA, or Silicon doped with Germanium and Arsenic, can be used as a semi-conductor, whereas SGA, or Student Government Association, is a semi-organization filled with doped-up Barnard chicks.
An isotope has a couple of extra neutrons, whereas an ISO-Type is missing many neurons.
A mole of ester is sensitive to the touch, whereas a molester touches sensitive areas.
Goodnight kids. Try not to break any bookshelves on the way out.
[March out to Raw]